This Valentines Day, “Think Velcro”

Gorgeous and I the day we met.
Married eight months later.
Still married twenty-eight years later.
How blessed am I??

Today, our nation celebrates Valentine’s Day – a day of celebrating loving relationships, especially romantic relationships.  Full disclosure, my wife and I have never participated in the day’s festivities – no cards, no chocolates, no dinner dates.  I want you to know, however, never a night goes by, year round, that my wife doesn’t have fresh flowers on her night stand.  She’ll tell you I sprinkle her with imaginative “sweet nothings” and expressions of love throughout the year.  I do not fail to celebrate the fact that this wonderful lady manages to love me.  That said, it’s still Valentine’s Day and I want to encourage dads to think about how to nurture the healthy romantic relationships of their children.  Specifically, what do we tell our children about sexuality and marriage?

Here’s my “big picture”. My faith, wisdom, and life experience teach me the following:

Sexual intimacy, first and foremost, is about creating the next generation.

Children develop best in a home founded by a married mother and father.

Marriage secures mother-father relationship, thus securing a healthy home for the child.

With those considerations in mind, I want to encourage dads to talk to their children about sexual intimacy in the context of marriage.  My parents’ generation’s prevailing approach to sex ed was to threaten boys and scare girls.  That approach is not only ineffective, but it left a lot of scars when it was finally time for sex-in-marriage.  As the father of four boys I always wondered how dads of girls advise their daughters about saving sexual intimacy for marriage.  I asked three dads to tell me their approach.  One dad has a young teen age daughter, two have very young daughters (I wondered what their long-term plan was).  Here are some excerpts:

DadOfTeen

Sex is not a taboo topic in our home; it is a beautiful thing in Gods eyes within the context of marriage.  I tell her is that she is a very special, beautiful person and is to be treated with respect by all her peers.  Just recently her mother and I were talking to her about boys, raging hormones and wandering boy eyes.  It is important that she present herself in a Godly fashion in both her appearance and her behaviors... not putting herself in a place to become a temptation to one of Gods sons.

Similar to our next two dads, DadOfTeen tries to put sexual intimacy in a larger context.  Rather than scaring his daughter away from sex, Dad says “it is a beautiful thing” at the right time, in the right relationship.  I think Dad is doing his daughter a favor by explaining to her that she needs to consider what’s going on in boys’ minds at this stage of life.  Yikes!!

BabyDaddy#1

The concept I want to impart to my girls at this stage of their life is to demonstrate how a man who loves them should treasure and cherish them.  I demonstrate this through how I treat their mother and also how I interact with them individually.  This will establish a template for a loving relationship that I believe they will seek out when they begin to look for a mate.  As they get older and the time comes for the birds and the bees talk, I will explain that sex is a wonderful gift from God given to us as a means to maximize our joy & connection with our Spouse.  If we experience the bonding of sexual intimacy outside of marriage, it weakens the connection that God intended us to have with our future spouse.  The more times we bond & un-bond ourselves (think velcro) to someone, the lower our capacity to experience the full blessing of marriage as God intended.

“Think Velcro”… ok, that’s a first for me, but it makes perfect sense.  Sexual intimacy undoubtedly creates an emotional bond from the female toward the male (affection in the opposite direction is not always there).  BabyDaddy#1 is right on that girls should consider bonding and “unbonding” carefully.  He’s also giving his daughters a great gift by setting a high standard – they will expect to be treated the way they saw their father treating their mother.  Set that bar high, Dad!!

BabyDaddy#2

Our daughters need to know that they don’t have to be someone they’re not in order to make a boy happy.  I think that so many girls fall into the trap of premarital sex due to insecurity.  So it’s up to us as fathers to make sure their self-confidence is strong going in to puberty and teenage years when boys and emotions about boys begin to kick in.  [I intend to] build our daughters’ self confidence in who they are as our daughters, and daughters of Holy God, not some pubescent, hormonal teen.  [I also want to] teach them the many ways to express their love and affection for people without having to offer themselves before marriage.

A theme is emerging here, BabyDaddy#2 sums up what all three dads talk about – context and age-appropriate expression of love.  Sexual intimacy is the ultimate expression of love (I thought the radio ad said a Vermont Teddy Bear was!) and marriage is the ultimate relationship.  They should be paired together.

Finally, dads, here’s a freebie from me to you on this Valentine’s Day.  I want you to check out this Victoria’s Secret model.  Yes, really check her out!!!  Kylie Bisutti is a top-tier fashion model who quickly made her way to the Victoria’s Secret runway.  And then… well, like I said, check out her story.  (No, I would NOT get you in trouble with your wife on this of all days.)
And sorry about the 30sec ad at the start.
 

Watch the video and then I strongly suggest you share it with your daughters… and your sons for that matter.  Sexual intimacy is the most spectacular human experience.  It’s also a complex experience that, in my most humble opinion, finds it fullest and healthiest expression in marriage.  I hope this gives you some ideas for continuing to talk to your children about their sexual health and happiness.

Clark H Smith

Out of the Corner of Their Eyes

Are you ready for some “super” football?  I’ll be watching this Sunday to see if New England establishes itself as a dynasty or if “Peyton’s Little Brother” improbably moves into the family lead of Super Bowl wins.  But I have to tell you, I’m just a tad nervous about all the stuff that’s packed around the game.  Anyone remember 2004 and a certain half-time show “mishap”?  “Wardrobe malfunction” gets millions of search results – it’s almost everyday language now. 

And the ads that pay for our gridiron gala are almost universally designed to offend what I think are reasonable standards of decency.  I firmly believe if they even thought they could get away with it, GoDaddy.com would broadcast strippers on a pole at every commercial break.  (Here’s a preview of an Acura Super Bowl ad that I can support enthusiastically.)

Please don’t think I represent the Prude Police.  I’m not trying to legislate morality for the rest of the world, but I am responsible for the moral development of my children.  And even though, in time, they‘ll take ownership of their values, I have to begin the training of their hearts and minds in my home.  

My view is that sex is a wondrously glorious thing AND I think it is a wondrously private thing between a husband and wife*.  Football is a spectator sport.  Intimacy, by the very definition of it, is not.  Each year, many (most?) Super Bowl commercials gen up raw lust to push their wares.  Somehow, in the midst of this hormone carnival, I want to help my children (I have four boys) understand that a) they are being manipulated, and b) the whims of the world should not form their view of women or of marital intimacy.

If, to a greater or lesser degree, you share my concerns, here are some approaches to dealing with all the nonsense coming our way. 

First, you know it’s coming.  Ad agencies have been perfecting their message for months; why don’t you spend some time getting your message across?  What do you believe and what have you taught your children about sex and gender relations in general?  Repeat and reinforce that message before the Big Game.  By the way, my friend at National Center for Fathering / Father.com have put together a set of articles that will be a big help in this area.  

I tell my sons, “That’s not your wife.  That is someone else’s wife (or potentially so).  I do not want someone else having sexual feelings for my wife.  Accordingly, I should not have sexual feelings for someone other than my wife.”  

A conversation with daughters would go along the same lines, but I would add this, “Darling, sometimes this world looks at women merely as sex objects.  I’m sorry for that.  I want you to know that sex with your husband will be a spectacular experience.  As for the rest of the world, I don’t want anyone else to think about you sexually.  I really don’t like commercials that portray females simply as objects of sexual desire.”  Of course, you’ve got to scale these conversations up or down depending on age.  

I know a lot of dads may get queasy with such frank talk, but let me ask you a question, if you’re not talking to your kids about sex, where are they going to get their information?  GoDaddy?

That brings me to my second point – your children are expecting you to talk to them.  How do I know?  Let me paint a picture for you.  You and your child are together; you may be in the living room, you may be in the hardware store.  Something happens; a word is spoken, a gesture is made, something out of character.  What happens?  I call it the “corner of the eye” experience.  Out of the corner of your eye you see that your child is watching you out of the corner of their eye.  They are checking on you, they are measuring you to see how you are going to respond to what just happened.  With their little eyes they are asking you, “Can I use that word?  Can I make that gesture?  Can I cop that attitude?  Can I dress that way?  Can I stare at girls/boys that are dressed that way?”  

You, dad, are the gatekeeper of your child’s heart and mind.  Stand guard!  What are you going to let pass through that gate and into their lives shaping them forever?  Do you want your daughter thinking that unless she wiggles her tush like that, she’ll never find love?  Do you want your son expecting all he needs to do is use the right body spay and four girls will fight to make love to him?  Hmmm?

Here’s a simple truth.  What one generation doesn’t take a stand against, the next generation will take a stand with.  Dad’s, man the gate!!  The values that your child will embrace – either yours or GoDaddy’s – will be decided this Sunday… and every other day of their young lives.  Do your duty.

Clark H Smith

*This perspective of sex-in-the-context-of-marriage is informed by my faith and my traditions.  Not everyone comes with the same approach and I know the idea of marriage is being tested right now.  I can tell you that extensive scholarly research and my work with numerous couples through the years confirm that the best place for sex is inside marriages.  If you'd like to talk about it, I promise you a gracious dialogue - send me an email.

Get In The Game, NOW!

blink... and 20 years goes by

Today, everyone is thinking about time.  We’re in the first hours of a brand new year.  A slew of football games are going to hinge on last-minutes heroics.  Maybe someone at your house is baking something that has to be pulled out of the oven at just the right moment.  I’m writing today to consider the absolute #1 most important allocation of your time – your children.

I hope you’ve signed up for email blasts from the National Center for Fathering / Fathers.com.  NCF CEO Carey Casey sent out this nugget just last Thursday (12/29):

…the best way you can improve as a dad is by spending more time with your children ...

The email continues with some great exhortation and encouragement.  I’m sharing the whole email at the bottom of this article.  In his book, Championship Fathering, Carey Casey writes:

We tend to think of time as a fluid thing – that we’ve got plenty of it.  But we can’t insist that our kids stay young until we get around to doing all that insightful coaching we planned to do for them.  If we miss that time, we miss it.

Yes, time is fluid, like a river running over a cliff!  It’s gone in flash – an instant, and you know what you mean when you say “come here this instant!”  Watch this great one minute video – sixty things that only take a second.  

Dad’s, NOW is the time to be a dad – this second!  I want to tell you a painful lesson I learned about the difference between quantity time and quality time.  My oldest son, probably age 7 or 8, made a “date” with me to watch a basketball game.  We snuggled up on the bed, snapped on a little black & white TV, and settled in to watch some roundball.  After several minutes, I became distracted, I’m just not a basketball kind of guy.  I probably picked up a book or noodled some notes, but still, I was right there in the bed with him and the TV was on.  Probably around the start of the fourth quarter I sensed that he was irritated.  “I wanted to watch basketball WITH you!”  This disappointing moment was hurled back into my consciousness when I read Carey Casey’s  Championship Fathering line:

Surfing the Internet on laptops three feet apart isn’t quantity or quality time.  Spending (or investing) time means being together…

Dads, you getting’ the drift of all of this?  The time you spend actively engaged in the life of your child is the time where you influence and encourage them.  Don’t think being in the same room with them is getting the dad job done.  Last quote and then the big finish:

Fathering is a pasture fenced with time.  The size of that fence determines the size of the relationship.  Increase your parenting time even a little and the relationship grows greatly.  Nip a foot or two out of the fence and watch the pasture shrink.

Clark H Smith quoted in (NCF founder) Ken Canfield’s The Heart Of A Father

Dads, are you watching some pigskin today?  I’m soaking in it.  Here’s a subtle observation:  The guys on the bench are not making a difference in the game.  The only guys who have a chance of getting a win for the team are the ones on the field when the whistle blows and the clock moves.  And dads - heart-to-heart from me - now’s the time to get in the game.  The game clock is moving at warp speed.  Indulge me two more minutes.  Watch this ancient Kodak commercial from the mid-60s (which seems like only yesterday).

Wipe the tears away and get in the game.  Click all those links to Fathers.com and sign up for the great resources they offer.  Maybe you should treat yourself to  Championship Fathering while you’re at it.  And by all means, sign up to get the IGTBTD blog in your email inbox.  Once a week or so I’ll be sharing more encouraging words for dads.

Clark H Smith

PS - If you want a real jolt, Google "father" + "time".  

12/29/2011 email from Carey Casey / fathers.com

Planning on dropping a few pounds? Giving up caffeine? Reading a book a month?

These are all great resolutions, but you might want to add one ...

How about making a resolution about being a better father?

Likely, the best way you can improve as a dad is by spending more time with your children ...

You could create a standing date with your son.

Or, instead of sitting down and watching the news, you could spend the first 30 minutes with your kids when you walk in the door.

Why not take your daughter on that weekend trip you’ve been promising her?

If you are like me, your biggest concern in relating to your kids is probably finding the time.

So take out your calendar right now and mark out blocks of time to spend with each child. Then, get your hands on your kids’ school calendar and make sure you can attend the special events.

Happy 2012!

Carey Casey

Whadyaget? Whadyaget? Whadyaget?

Ah, the post-Christmas bragging rights competition begins.  I’ve made it a point in recent years to ask, “what did you give?”  I think it is a more intriguing question.  However, for reasons that will quickly become evident, I’m going to brag about what I got this Christmas.  I think you’ll agree I’m doing the right thing.

Over the years, I’ve been privileged to write for the National Center for Fathering.  My most recent contribution at Fathers.com is the article The Dad Who Blesses in which I say:

“Every dad's great challenge is to pay close attention as each child develops. We must learn how to coach each child according to his or her ‘bent’.”

I had no idea one of the greatest Christmas gifts I’ve ever received would come directly from this aspiration as a dad.

My second oldest son, Noah, was “special” from the start.  Thanks to colic, he lived on goat milk his first year of life.  Ewww.  Thanks to learning challenges (NOT disabilities) Noah began our homeschooling odyssey.  Noah has always had a quirky, technical bent.  Okay, he’s a nerd, but the sweetest one you’ll ever meet and today he is a successful software designer.  One year, when Noah was a young teen, I posed a very peculiar question to his left-brain brilliance:

Noah, all my life I’ve wondered something… If I got up in the morning and started walking toward the sun, changing my path to follow the sun all day long, what would the map of that path look like at the end of the day?  If I was on a giant patch of snow, what would be the shape of my tracks?

Solving this puzzle is a decades-old quest for me.  I don’t know where the idea sparked, but growing up in Alaska where the sun’s location in the sky is such a prominent matter, to me it’s only natural that I would wonder this.  I may have mentioned this sun followin’ quest to all my boys, but I invested some extra time talking to Noah about it like how the path in mid-winter would be drastically different from mid-summer.  I’ve tried to figure this out many times.  Every time I began working on it, I was overwhelmed with how much data and complex factors go into what seems like a simple problem.  For me, the challenge was insurmountable.  For Noah, not so much.

Noah and Tiffany are spending Christmas with her family in Texas so Christmas with them was celebrated last Wednesday night*.  We exchanged presents.  Tiffany made Alyse a set of winter earrings – one for every day of Christmas week.  Beautiful.  The kids gave me a box of nothin’ – no wrapped gift at all  –  but I noticed an extra, black cord running up to the TV.  This is gonna be good!  Noah began his presentation, “Okay, so you know how you’ve always wanted to know what your sun followin’ path would be?  Here’s your answer.”  And he turned on the TV.

It took me many minutes to digest what I was looking at.  Noah has done it!!  He’s built a program that links into Google Earth to show what sun followin’ would look like on any day of the year from any point on the planet.  BLEW. MY. MIND.  For 35 years or more, I’ve been trying desperately to figure this out.  Couldn’t.  But because I considered the “bent” of each of my sons and I shared my quest, in depth, with my techie son, I now have the answer I’ve been seeking.  But wait, there’s more.

Wednesday night, when Noah made his presentation, he said, “Dad, I do what I do today (software design) because you talked to me about this quest.  It stuck in my mind and drove me to want to build solutions to complex and complicated problems.”

WOW!  I thought I was just “thinking out loud” as I somewhat frequently do.  But I was connecting with my son on his wavelength and it found great harmony in his life.  Now, I’ve mentioned this sun followin’ quest to all my sons.  The others just chalked it up to Crazy Dad and then asked for an increase in their allowance for having to listen to me.  But I really am trying to understand WHO my children are, and nurture and encourage them to pursue the things in life that spring from within them.  This Christmas, I got the gift of knowing that I haven’t done such a bad job, after all.

Clark H Smith

What’s all this “sun followin’” about?  You’ll never know unless you go to www.sunfollow.in and see what I’m ravin’ about.  Yup, my boy dotcommed my life’s quest!  You can move the stick pin anywhere on the globe.  You can adjust the speed of your walking (I think 5mph is about right) and how many days, day after day, you want to continue your sun followin’.  I like moving the pin around and zooming in to see what each day looks like.  You can adjust the date, as well.  Go. Follow the Sun!  (And to no one's surprise, I started a blog to journal some of the things I'm discovering as I follow the son.)

*presented to me on Dec 21 – the winter solstice.  On this day in Fairbanks, the sun rises at 11am and sets just after 2:30pm.  On June 21, it’s just the opposite – setting at 11pm and rising “in the middle of the night”.  These dynamics are why I’m so interested in the position of the sun.

The Jesus Gifts

I have a terrific post coming a day or so after Christmas.  Until then, I want to give my wonderful IGTBTD friends this gift.

Underneath our tree right now are four gifts for each child, each gift labeled "Gold", "Frankincense", "Myrrh", and "Swaddling Clothes".  Jump over to The Jesus Gifts to see our family truly celebrates Christmas by giving the gifts that Jesus received.

(While you're there, you can stretch your thinker muscle and join me in breaking The Magi Code.)

Clark H Smith

Rock On, Son, Rock On!

#Challenge:  I’ve heard it said that we don’t love someone because of who they are, but in spite of who they are.  Think about the people who truly love you – isn’t it so?  Dads tend to be task oriented, results focused.  We have to be careful though.  Our gender sometimes causes us to focus on the performance of our children.  If your love appears to be a conditional, because of kind of love what happens when your child falls short of expectations?  Does your love go away?

#HeadGear:  My dad was a very smart man.  He was a preacher in his 20s, 30s, and 40s and then, due to the same hearing problems I have, he was a carpenter the rest of his life.  He was an avid reader and could cipher the pitch of a roof in a flash, but he never got bogged down in paperwork and administrative things.  On one visit to Mom & Dad’s, I realized how far apart our work-a-day worlds were.  In my 20s, I managed a $5million advertising agency / film production company.  During the visit, I reviewed a hundred or so pages of monthly General Ledger entries for the company as Dad sat in his designated DadChair and just shook his head.  I couldn’t have been doing anything more foreign to him.

I thought of that scene this week when my musician son handed me a page of new song lyrics.  No, I didn’t think of that scene, I relived that scene… only now I was my dad and my son was me.  The lyrics were very well written and came from a place of passion within him, but “I don’t do poetry”.  I don’t get the allegory and metaphor of it all.  Just sing “boom goes the dynamite” and be done with it.

In my sleep that night, I worked out “It’s not about the process, it’s about the product.”  Waking up, I knew I wasn’t there yet.  “It’s about the producer.”  When I got in my car with my General Ledger and drove away from my parents’ West Texas home, they didn’t say to each other, “There goes our little business manager.”  When I read my son’s lyrics, I didn’t think, “Wow, he can sure write some pretty words.”  A healthy dad’s view of his children is not anchored in what they accomplish, it’s based on who they are and how they’re working to contribute to the world.  People love hearing my son’s band perform the songs he writes.  He gives joy, and (somehow) encouragement, to others.  I don’t have to understand a single syllable of his lyrics on that paper to be proud of him.  I was proud of him when the paper was still blank.

#ManUp:  In Championship Fathering, Carey Casey lays out three fundamentals behaviors of a championship dad: loving, coaching, modeling.  We’ve got to get that first one right.  At Fathers.com there is a great section of resources on how to work on your Loving skills.  Please scan the list of articles and continue growing as the Loving Dad your child needs.  While you’re at it, let’s hit the practice field and apply this fundamental.  What can you do TODAY to affirm your child for the person they are, not just for what they do?  A purposeful conversation or a handwritten note would go a long way toward expressing real love.  Or you could go to a rock concert.  Hmmm… where did I put my notecards?

#SoundOff:  Loving Dads, how do you get it done?  What act of affirmation have you found meaningful to your child.  Pipe up on Facebook or leave a comment here.  I’d love to know what works for you.

Clark H Smith

Big Big House

As the Lord has blessed our house with four sons, I’ve had the privilege of becoming friends with many of the young ladies who’ve come through our doors.  At some point today, jump over to my Follow Illustrated post today and get the background on one young lady who is now a resident in our home – my wonderful daughter-in-love, Tiffany.

Tiffany is a whole, healthy, and happy person – but she shouldn’t be.  When she was twelve, divorce quaked her home in half.  Through an indelicate process, Tiffany wound up with her father; her ten year old sister going with Mom.  I don’t know the man, but he was nothing of a father to Tiffany.  I’ll leave it at that.  By the power of her faith and God’s excellent grace, Tiffany survived that chapter of her life and now a new chapter as wife and daughter-in-love has begun.  I think about her young life often.  Seeing the world through the broken lens of her father must have caused wounds and misgivings about life.  Since the kids have moved in, I have also come to a stunning realization – I now stand as a father for her.

As we move about in this world, Tiffany is looking to me to encourage her with wisdom and compassion.  Her eyes are measuring my qualities as a husband and father and she’s creating a new template of what to expect from her husband and the father of her children.  On the whole, I feel that I have been a good father to the boys who grew up in my home.  Now, I get to give Tiffany something she never really had – a dad.  In the Old Testament, God worded a promise this way, “I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten.” (Joel 2:25)  I’m patching huge tears in a fabric that only a father can weave.  I’m humbled.  I’m honored.

Other boys have brought young ladies through our home.  I make it a point to get to know them personally; not just as my sons’ friends, but as MY friends.  Several of the girls have been like Tiffany, beautiful souls lacking a dad.  Recently, I was online writing some encouraging words to one of these friends.  I hadn’t seen her in a while and I wanted her to know I thought of her and treasured her.  She wrote back to me, “You are the father I wish I had.”  It is difficult to find the words to express the compassion and sorrow I feel for her.  I also feel an overwhelming burden to open the doors of my home and heart to give this beautiful soul a reference point, so to speak, of what a loving father, loving home can look like.

All I know is a big ole house

With rooms for everyone

All I know is lots a land

Where we can play and run

All I know is you need love

And I've got a family

All I know is you’re all alone

So why not come with me?

Come and go with me
To my father’s house

                 Big House / Audio Adrenaline (see video here)

Dads, we cut a big swath through this world.  Our reach is far greater than our wives and children.  If you have the opportunity – and I believe we all do – please consider who you can encourage, who you can nurture with wisdom and compassion.  The locusts are out there in other homes, eating the hope and courage out of children who lack dads.  #ManUp.  Seize the opportunity.  Be the dad.  Trust me: It’s Good To Be The Dad.

Clark H Smith

Like Yesterday

Nov 17, 1986.  Dad called me the day he got the new catalog from my book publishing company.  It was the first time he’d seen the company logo - a hand holding a pencil.  Dad greeted me with “Do you remember how you boys watched in amazement as I held a pencil in my hand and drew a hand holding a pencil.”

“Like yesterday, Dad.  Like yesterday.”

Thanksgiving ’86 came and went.  My family of wife and child had just moved to Kansas City in the summer and we couldn’t get back to Texas to see Mom & Dad for either Thanksgiving or Christmas… or so I thought.

Dec 1, 1986.  Mom called.  Dad had a stroke.  He was “alright”, but hospitalized, waiting to see what the long-term damage would be.  Within a week I flew down to see him.  He was in a rehab hospital, barely conversant, barely mobile.  I walked into his room and he lit up.  With a stroke victim's drunken-tongue he pushed out, “Hoppy, d'you see the gyp?”  Hoppy is my nickname, taken from my middle name, Hopkins.  (When I was 5 I got everyone to stop calling me that – everyone except Dad.)  Gyp was a reference to his beloved gypsum rock carvings.  I’d briefly stopped by the house to get Mom and saw an small Eskimo woman and a sled dog he’d been working on.  He beamed with joy knowing that I shared his love of sculpting.  During that visit, at his request, I helped Dad to the bathroom in his hospital suite.  In the midst of that short walk Dad stroked out again, in my arms.  He froze, never to speak again or signal any cognition.  Dad was all but gone.

Dec 20, 1986.  Mom called.  Dad was gone.

Dec 22, 1986.  Memorial service.  If you’re interested, here’s what I said at the service.

Dec 25, 1986.  We stayed a few more days in Texas to help Mom.  On Christmas morning, Mom went with my brother over to his in-laws’.  My wife, son, and I started the day with a quiet little Christmas for just the three of us and then joined the extended family.  About twenty people raucously opened gifts.  Someone handed me a present marked “From: Mom & Dad”.  It seemed so strange to be opening a gift from someone who had just passed away.  Stranger still was the silence that fell over the room.  I didn’t understand why everyone paused what they were doing and watched me.  Whatever was inside was heavy.  I tore off the wrapping paper and took the lid off the shoebox.  At this very moment in December 2011, just the same as twenty-five years ago, my breath is swept away from me.  It was a gyp-rock carving… of a hand… holding a pen.  In thirteen days – between Nov 17 and Dec 1 – Dad stopped everything else he was working on, started, and completed this carving for me.

And now I’m virtually at a loss for words.  Dads… your child’s world… jump in it!  Treasure the smallest things that you share together – they may wind up being the best, and the last, things you share.  Dads, celebrate your child’s life.  Especially as they enter adulthood, bless them when they return to the nest for laundry or food or money (often all three!), but also get out there in their world.  What new interests have they found?  How are they demonstrating wisdom?  Connect their current accomplishments with baby-steps from their childhood under your roof.  Remind them that their life today is a result of the love you poured into them for two decades.  Ask them if they remember a sweet moment from their childhood.  And expect to hear…

Like yesterday, Dad.  Like yesterday.

Clark “Hoppy” Smith, Carl’s kid

Searching for great gift ideas that will distinguish you as thoughtful parents?  Follow this link to see what the Smith Family of Wife and Children do for Christmas.

Leave A Mark

#Challenge: In Championship Fathering, Carey Casey talks about how to "upgrade" (my word) your "heritage" from your father to a "legacy".  (Watch this video and get all inspired.)  That simple thought helped me look at my father in a totally different light.  I'm going to do some cross-promotion today and encourage all dads to "leave a mark".



Please check out my post today at FollowIllustrated.com.  It's a fun, kind of quirky story about my dad and so typical of how he interacted with his world.

#HeadGear: This story just impressed upon me how important it is to show my children how I am making a mark on the world.  Sound vain?  Look at it this way... in the Depression Era Southwest there there sprung up a peculiar kind of baseball with larger than life figures like Dizzy Dean.  Dizzy was famous for saying, "It ain't braggin' if ya done it."  My dad loved quoting Dizzy on that.  Dad's if you are making a positive contribution to your world, you have earned the right - and have the responsibility - to share that with your children.  In time, your legacy will become the most important thing in the world to them, I promise!

The jury is still out on the complete view of the legacy I am passing on to my children.  Over-sized TVs, a love for electronic gadgets, and a zeal to make great barbeque will be numbered among the things they will remember about me.  I hope they also remember all the mornings, sometimes thrice weekly, I was up and out of the house before they opened their peepers.  I've spent the better part of the last 20 years discipling the finest young men on earth.  Many are now leaders in their churches.  Most are leaders in their homes - faith-filled and courageous dads doing the heavy lifting of leading a family.  I can smoke up a slab of ribs that will have you apologizing to your taste-buds for not eating them porksickles sooner, but I really hope my children will tell their kids about how Pops made his mark on other men's lives.  But also the ribs.  Don't fail to mention the ribs.

Silver spoon or not, the Cat's In The Cradle and your children ARE going to imitate you.  Sit down today and make a short list of three things that you have done to leave your mark in this world.  Share that list with your kids soon.  Most importantly, explain to them what drove you to do those things.  You'll pass on a legacy that will bless your generations.

Ready to #ManUp?  Here's a great "action plan" from Fathers.com.  And yet another good idea.

#SoundOff:  Men, what mark did your dad leave on your life.  Let's focus on the positive today.  Sound off at the IGTBTD Facebook page.  And click SHARE to bring others into the conversation.

Clark H Smith

One More Summer

#Challenge: Between work, sleep, keeping up the house, and screaming at small white balls, dads are challenged to carve out nurturing time with our kids.  Some wise man said, “Life is what happens while you’re making other plans.”  I get it, but I don’t want my kids saying that at my funeral.

#HeadGear:  “Boys, let’s go for a drive.”  Carey Casey, NCF’s lead man, starts his excellent book, Championship Fathering, by quoting from his dad who deepened relationships with his children throughout the course of life’s busy-ness.  When I read this, I got goosebumps.  I’ve done this so many times with my own sons – turning trips into teaching times and errands into life lessons.  Tonight, as I like to say, I got the payoff pitch from my youngest son (yup, the one who made me $1 richer last week).  At the dinner table, my wife briefly mentioned a life-lesson I learned long ago through a weird experience.  My son pricked up his ears with an interest in a good story.  I thought for a moment and realized that it wasn’t the best moment to go through the lengthy scenario.  I simply said, “Let me tell you about it later.”  He knew I wasn’t dodging anything, just thinking practically.  My smiling high school junior looked at me and said, “That’s okay Dad, we’ve got one more summer.”  I all but burst out in tears at the realization of what he’d said.  Okay, I actually did start to cry.

I work from home and in the summer I make it a point to take my sons to lunch frequently and always ask them if they’d ride shotgun with me on an errand.  We laugh and yack our way around town, but I also make specific efforts to explain what's causing the crazy man on the radio to lose his mind.  In these precious moments, I lay the foundation for their understanding of politics, economics, spiritual matters, principles of physics, and as much as they’ll let me say about… you know… gurlz.  Sometimes I feel like I’m a banging gong.  Maybe I am, but tonight my son let me know that he values those times and looks forward to them.  What a spectacular moment.  That one dollar just turned into a million.  #IGTBTD

#ManUp:  I’m sympathetic to the demands heaped upon dads.  We’ve got to be the bread-winner, the dragon-slayer, the fair judge, the problem solver, the ditch digger, and the banisher of boogeymen.  You’re loaded to the hilt.  But let me beg you not to take too much time off.  Those runs to the hardware store can turn into a legacy of wisdom passing through the generations – that’s what happened with Carey Casey.  I want to ask you to do a couple things.  Visit the Fathers.com website and order yourself a copy of Championship Fathering.  While you’re there, check out this quick read on “Nonversations”.  The action points there will turn that next trip to the gas station into a father/child legacy.  I promise.

#SoundOff:  By hearing from Carey Casey, I was encouraged in my fathering.  My hunch is you have something to share that will encourage someone else.  Sound off at our Facebook page with how you stay connected with your kids during the busy-ness of life.


Clark H Smith

One Small Step

#Challenge: When does patience / tolerance / assistance turn into enabling bad behavior?

It’s 11am the day after Thanksgiving.  My 16 year old son just had his first of seven plates of leftovers.  Done eating, he ran some water over his plate and laid it in the sink.  It still has more debris on it than I’d like to put in the dishwasher… and he put it in the sink, not the dishwasher.  Pretty sure he can handle the complexities of getting a dish all the way into the dishwasher.  But he’s downstairs now playing video games. 

You ever been in this situation?  What would you do?  Should I call him back upstairs to finish the job?  Should I rinse the plate and put it in the dishwasher for him?  Should I make him do all the dishes today to reinforce kitchen courtesy?  I guess I could just go to the #ManCave and let my wife handle it.

#HeadGear: Dads tiptoe along a thin white stripe between constant griping and letting our kids develop some bad behaviors.  Do you wrestle with this?  Infrequently “getting things straightened out” can be messy business.  You’re suddenly tapping a reservoir of irritation and your child feels like they’ve done a lot wrong for a long time.

Dads, we are the #LovingLeaders in our homes.  My goal is to lead my son to be a great husband and father, himself.  There’s a lot on the line and not just about the dishes.  I don’t want to lead my son toward being a lazy person who expects others to clean up after him. 

#ManUp: I have never had a bad conversation with a child that begins with “I want to explain why I think this is important.”  Never.  No child is motivated by griping.  They need you to set the goal out in front of them and encourage them to pursue it.  Junior is still going to put the well-rinsed plate in the dishwasher, but he will do so either begrudgingly or responsibly.  The difference is up to me.

What did I actually do?  I rinsed the plate, put it in the dishwasher, and sent him a text that he owes me $1.  #IGTBTD

#SoundOff:  What’s your approach to teaching good habits?  What are you going to clean up today?  Veteran dads, give the younger dads some encouragement about dealing with the small stuff.  Sound off at the IGTBTD Facebook page.

Clark H Smith

It’s Good To Be The Dad

I have a manila folder labeled “It’s Good To Be The Dad”.  Birthday cards, thank you notes, and other scraps serve as little reminders that, well, it’s good to be the dad!  Hallmark isn’t beating down my door to license the corny, awkward sentiments on those notes, but they’re as precious to me as anything I own.  Crayon and pencil are the media of choice and I’d grab that folder before any fine art if the house was on fire.

Maybe it’s just in my own head, but I think dads start out with a weak hand when it comes to parenting.  We are not natural nurturers and that’s what a child needs most from us.  The precious notes in my IGTBTD folder serve as mile markers on my journey through Dadlandia.

I’ve heard it said that mothers are the leading lovers in the family and dads are the loving leaders.  I’ll buy that.  But I have to ask myself, where am I lovingly leading my children?  Have you ever thought about it that way?  Where are you leading your children?  I look ahead 30 years and this is what I want to see - let's call them the seven visions.

• a person living their faith with integrity
• a confident person encouraging others
• a spouse who’s partner can’t wait to see them at the end of the day
• a citizen contributing to the betterment of their home, workplace, and community
• a financially shrewd person
• a wise person contributing to the wisdom of others
• a parent replicating this list in their children

That list is not a dream for the future, it’s an action plan for today.  Everything I do should feed the fulfillment of that list in my children.  Fortunately, the dad journey is long and slow.  Sometimes I stall out and, by not asking directions, I’ve been known to get lost “once in a great while”.

I’ll be honest with you… my dad was a very good man, but not a great father.  He put food on the table and paddled my butt as often as I needed it.  He did not nurture me to be a husband or father.  I feel like I’ve had to figure out this fathering thing on my own.  Every time I look at my kids, my heart soars with aspirations of being a great dad.  And every time they look up to me, I see the value of my efforts and I’m always reminded, you know, it’s good to be the dad.

#SoundOff:  I’d love to have you add to my list.  What did I forget?  What did you receive from your dad that you are intentional about passing on to your kids?    Are you looking for some wisdom or do you need encouragement today?  How can I help?  Sound off on our Facebook page.

Clark H Smith